Virus Protection Software Problem

Do any of you have McAfee virus protection? My McAfee was recently updated, and ever since, I have not been able to register on and then navigate membership websites. I tried to join LiveJournal to read a friends' private blog, but, though my account is set up and confirmed, I can't navigate away from my log-on page. As soon as I click on a link such as "Friends" or "Change Your Options" it brings me back to the log-on screen. I am having the same problem with Evite. I registered and verified the account through the confirmation email. However, whenever I enter my username and password, it brings me right back to the log-on screen. With LiveJournal, at least it acknowledges I'm logged on for one page, if only one page. With Evite, I enter the information, and the screen refreshes with empty boxes for me to enter my info again. I'm thinking that there is some setting on my security software that is doing this, but I can't figure out what it is. Does anyone have any ideas of what could be going on? Is there a setting a need to disable? Does my software have a manic control complex? Does it need talk therapy? Tough love? Grrr...I'm the one who's going to need therapy if I can't get this working...

Just when you think your heart is in the right place....

Why is it that righteousness indignation so often turns into pompous self-congratulation? And why is it that it so often happens in my own heart?

I was embarrassed to be a seminarian yesterday. People in seminary have a reputation, a reputation for arrogance, condescending language, and a sense of intellectual sophistication, which in reality is neither sophisticated nor informed by experience. I know people are watching for it in me. I know it by their jokes as they good-naturedly yet somewhat tellingly thank me for stepping away from the high and lofty seminary atmosphere to spend time with the common folk. Such jokes startled me at first - even hurt my feelings. Is that how I come across? As I was considering and applying for seminary, were people expecting me to become haughty? I came to seminary only because I sensed that the Lord wanted me to devote more time encourage believers that all Christians are ministers, that ministry is life and life is ministry, whether one gets paid by a religious institution or not. I loved my teaching job, but to do teaching well, direct the extra-curricular activities so often required, and maintain personal relationships left little time for the Christian discipleship and teaching I so longed to pour more energy into. I felt that receiving training to enter vocational ministry was the best next step. Because of these reasons, the jokes of others wounded my heart. However, the wounds probably fall into the category of the wounds of a friend, helping me to be wary of pride that can so easily slip in and self-righteous feelings that can so easily develop, especially in somewhat isolated environments such as this campus. They cause me to examine my heart, weigh my words, test my thoughts. They bring me to prayer.

But, this all is a digression. Seminarians have a reputation. I am sensitive of the reputation, and I acknowledge that the reputation is not without truth. Yesterday I attended a presentation given by two missionaries from two different Native American reservations. Their presentation involved reference to elements of traditional Native American spiritual rituals, which, for reasons from overt demonic activity to sensitive attitudes, the Christian communities on the reservations decided to omit from Christian worship services altogether. Such decisions are controversial, to be sure. After all, this world is God's world, God's handiwork and beauty is everywhere, and God is in the business of redeeming what is not fully devoted to Him. Medicine, engineering, food production - we enjoy the benefits of all of these endeavors without wondering if the inventions and breakthroughs were developed through Christians. One does not have to be a Christian to enhance the lives of others. The same is true of music and art. As Christians, are we allowed to admire the architecture of non-Christians? Are we allowed to enjoy paintings that do not depict a scene from the Bible? Absolutely. Then why not use elements of traditional Native American worship ceremonies? It all depends if using those elements will aid others in worship or if they will hinder others. The Christian communities at these two reservations have decided that those elements would be a hindrance and present great temptation to forsake the Gospel for former objects of worship.

The issue is controversial, and a student asked about it. Why not incorporate traditional elements of worship and redeem them in a Christian setting? This missionaries explained, but, the student asked again, what about meat offered to idols? The missionaries explained again, but then another student jumped on board and then another. Before long, three students out of thirty were passionately arguing with the missionaries about the right way to do ministry. Maybe the missionaries were right, and maybe they were wrong, but I thought that the behavior of my fellow students was unacceptable. These missionaries were our guests, and while it is perfectly appropriate to ask questions and even to disagree, it is not okay to stridently and publicly argue with individuals who have taken time from their volunteer ministry to come speak to us, especially when we are the students and they are the professionals. And especially, when one of these women had never been on a seminary campus before and was probably already intimidated by our unfortunately reputation.

As the missionaries kept calmly explaining and the students kept arguing, getting more high pitched and louder every time they spoke, I grew angry. I grew angry at my fellow students, and, somewhere in there, I start self-congratulating myself that I was not like them. Ouch! It gets me every time. Perhaps that is why it is so hard to not refrain from sin in our anger. So much of anger is self-congratulation. So much anger is really the attitude, "If only they were like me, then no one would have gotten hurt. If only they were like me, then the world would be a better place." My peers' actions were unacceptable, but the attitude of my heart was unacceptable as well. We all were made acceptable only by God's grace through Christ yesterday - I and my more aggressive peers. I needed forgiveness just as much.

Wintry Mix of Fun and Excitement

Today I learned that forty-five minutes makes all the difference between wet steps and a treacherous fear-factor exercise. Let Chicago have their blizzards, the 32 degree mark is a different kind of exciting indeed.

Disequilibriated

I'm frustrated, I'm discouraged, and I'm a little anxious. I'm having one of those, "What am I doing here" weeks. I'm having one of those, "Whatever made you think you could do vocational ministry" weeks. I'm having one of those, "You came to a reformed, conservative seminary to learn and grow, but now you'll never be able to get a job at any other kind of church" weeks.

I'm corresponding with a woman who works as a minister of church life in an urban church in a US western city. She loves her job, which involves teaching and discipling adults. Her role as a paid minister encourages and empowers other women to exercise their gifts for the glory of God. But, her regional board, after two years, is now protesting her visible service in the church as well as her title as minister, accusing the church where she serves as breaking under liberal pressure. She is discouraged, and I am absolutely disheartened. Is this what it is going to be like if I start serving in a church someday? I have never thought too much about women's role in the church before, mainly because I have never wanted to be a head pastor and I have never aspired to be ordained in any denomination. But, I'm learning now that in some places, the restrictions go beyond that. I'm scared now. I still have no desire to be a head pastor or to be officially ordained by anyone. But, I do desire to equip God's people for works of service, and I thought God was leading me to seminary, this seminary, to be equipped to do that. And now I wonder if there is going to be any place for me after I get out. So many churches affiliated with this seminary (which is a great, biblically sound, challenging, encouraging, edifying seminary) don't want women in ministerial positions. I never really intended on going to work for a church in this denomination anyway, but now I'm wondering if any other churches will want someone from here. This place is evangelical and doctrinally sound, even if I don't agree with them on every single point; but denominations have their own seminaries, their own networks, and I wonder, not being from one of those seminaries, if another denomination would even consider me.

My education professors love to talk about disequilibrium, saying that it is when things don't make sense that we learn the most. Things don't make sense right now - so I must be learning a lot. God lead me to resign from my teaching position, and He brought me here to this seminary, to be challenged and nurtured and taught and trained. I have to believe that my background of various denominational affiliations will be an asset in whatever God is preparing me for. I have believe that the confusion about women's ministry that I have right now is in preparation for something new. I have to believe that what I sensed God was doing last year is still in play this year, even amidst my doubts.

I have no idea where I'm going to land in all of this. And I feel utterly irresponsible because of that. Who leaves a stable, well-paying job with benefits to spend thousands of dollars on a degree that you don't even know how you're going to use? I did. Wow, that drives me crazy. It makes no sense to me at all. And yet I believe it is God who brought me here. What do I do with that? I guess hold on and see - and then re-read this when things fall together more amazingly than I can even imagine...i hope.