lunch break

I wonder how my grandmother is doing. I have to be honest: I really don't think about her as much as I should. Of course I do think of her, though. I talk to her and love doing nice things for her. I'm thrilled that I pulled her name from the family Christmas gift hat and that I will get to go shopping for her. I love buying clothes for her, and I know she loves wearing them. But, last night I realized how little I have sat down and deeply thought about what she must be feeling right now. I was trying to motivate myself to grade some essays, and, wanting to listen to some soft, warm instrumentals, I put a CD in entitled, Winter on the Moor, which I received for Christmas a few years ago. As I listened, the feelings I was experiencing in Winter of 2002 came back to me, and I felt like I was sitting at my desk in Covenant House, reading for my literature classes and researching best practices for my education classes, missing my dear friends who had moved away, mulling over my confusion with the boys in my life, and still enjoying the knowledge that Lydia was just across the hall, Melissa was three doors down the hall, and several friends were within a mile. I can remember being lonely and confused in those moments, yet, last night, I longed to be back in that little corner in my college town. As much as that time held confusion and apprehension, important, precious memories from that winter and spring are locked in my heart. I grow sentimental when I reminesce of those days. And then, last night, I began thinking about Grandma. Grandpa died this past summer, just two days after my grandma's brother died suddenly of a heart attack. I wonder what Grandma feels like at night. What memories float through her mind, leaving aches in her heart. She's had so many wonderful moments in her life. She was smart and popular in high school, she did well in nursing school, and was pursued by the man who would become her husband. She has four great kids she talks about and ten wonderful grandkids she brags about. I wonder what piece of the past she wants so desperately to be the present. So many wonderful memories are locked in her heart, and I can't imagine how those memories can cause anything but pain for her right now. How does she feel as she watches my brother get ready for a wedding? How did she feel when my cousin excitedly showed her her engagement ring? Was she filled with joy? Or was she full of pain, remembering the time of her life when she had the ring, when she was planning her wedding? That's a pain I can't heal. It's a pain I know just a little about. What is comforting Grandma tonight? I hope she's praying. I hope she's finding comfort in God tonight. But I know she still hurts. I'm sorry Grandma. I wish I could do more.