I'm feeling unsettled tonight, like all is not right with the world, and I feel tired and restless all at the same time. Comfort seems to be the theme of so many of my prayers lately. Every time I answer the phone or check my email, there is pain or news of pain on the opposite end. Death, illness, heartbreak, and confusion, in response to which I pray but cannot find any words. People turn to me for wisdom, and I have none to give. I just want to somehow take it all away so that they can once again experience ease of being, not burdened by sadness, disappointment, and fear. And tonight, my own heart is heavy. I have fears of my own; emotions that can run wild with my heart unless I keep them reigned with my will. Hope is a slippery thing. The belief that tomorrow will not be too much, nor will the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year, is a hard-won prize and much appreciated gift, or at least it is for me. It comes from denying the lie that I am left to figure things out all by myself in this life. It comes from fighting every temptation to think that God is anything short of good, that His plan is anything less than best, and that His gaze towards me is anything but love. Tomorrow, the emotions will be different. Perhaps hope will be handed to me with the fading of my morning dreams, or perhaps I'm going to have to pray to God to help me see beyond heaviness of my heart. I pray for the former, but I accept the latter. Amen.

Assumption-check

Assumption-check: I left teaching and came to seminary because I believed God wanted me to enter into a new profession. I was supposed to teach, but not necessarily in the public school setting, yet I was not sure where.

Assumption-challenge: Maybe my coming here has nothing to do with entering into a new vocation.

Assumption-in-pieces: I often ask the question, "What am I doing here at seminary?" but I do not wonder, maybe I shouldn't have come here. I know I should be here, but what am I doing here? Maybe I'm just here to learn. My perspective of God's church has taken a completely different form: I have learned that a church can be traditional and liturgical and at the same time possess an eager, active faith in the radical good news of the Gospel. I've learned that the Church is not a Western-phenomenon and that church history is not the story of how Christianity spread across Europe - church history is the story of how the news of Jesus Christ spread in several different directions at once. I have learned that when I teach from the Bible, I cannot tell people what they are supposed to do without first telling people all that God has done to enable us to do whatever it is He asks. Telling people to live a good life is futile. It cannot be done...it cannot be done without the power of the Holy Spirit in full assurance of forgiveness and grace of a loving, good, and all-knowing God. I've learned that little kids are people capable of learning thankfulness, forgiveness, humility, and respect. I've learned that God's creation is good. I've learned to look for "echoes of Eden," or the glory and beauty of God visible even though tarnished by all that we human have ever done wrong since the first man and the first woman. I've learned to see all people as God's image-bearers, whether they believe in Jesus or not.

I've learned all of these things, and I have not even directly addressed all that I have learned about education. The domains of learning, learner motivation, critical thinking skills, human development theory, Bloom's taxonomy, etc... Several things that I learned as an undergrad have more meaning now that I've actually been in the trenches of teaching. My desire to teach has only grown. I know I would be such a better teacher now. I long for an outlet.

My purposes for coming to seminary was to enter some sort of Christian education position at a church. Yet, even if that never happens, I have been changed, and if it is possible that God lead me here to enter a new profession, it is just as possible that God lead me here to grow before putting right back in the public school system again. Having high school teaching as an option again gives me so much relief, so much joy. I love teaching. I don't know how effective I was before, but I would be better at it now. Maybe I won't end up back in an Illinois public school; maybe I'll be overseas, in a private school, adult tutoring, etc. But I don't have to throw out my teaching skills and desires and start from scratch again. I can't tell you how happy that makes me.