Broken

Okay, I think I may have hurt someone, but I don't know if I hurt them or not. The thing is, I attacked a position that this person holds, not to their face, but behind their back. I didn't mention their name or any clue to their identity at all, but, they may have found out about it anyway. So, not knowing if they know, I don't know what to do. I can go to them and apologize to them for something that they don't even know about, and therefore end up hurting them by telling them they did something that angered me, not in a personal kind of way, but in a "Jessie knows what's best for society" kind of way. Or, I can just let it go and hope the person confronts me about it. If the person knows and doesn't confront me about it, they either 1.) forgive me and have completely let it go; 2.) forgive me but still are very hurt and in need of an apology from me but are afraid to confront me; 3.) won't ever speak to me again.

I'm not going to say anything, just in case they don't know. I might feel better afterwards, but it would probably hurt them. I pray that if they do know, they will confront me about it. If so, I do owe them a very, very big apology.

I hate it when I hurt people. And it scares me that I might do it all the time without even realizing it. I am in front of 120 kids every single day. How many of them do I end up hurting by the end of the semester? It's so easy to do. I'm having a bad day, I'm under stress, everyone is asking me questions at once, and then one kid who never causes any problems at all just happens to ask the question that is the last straw, and I answer directly but curtly, my tone of voice making it clear that at that moment, I am irritated and annoyed. Some kids shrug it off like it is nothing. Other kids take that message and hold it in their hearts. The arrows spoken of in The Sacred Romance. How many of those arrows have I myself shot? I know what it is to be hypersensitive and easily hurt; how in the world can I string the same arrows that pierced me?

I am just learning to confront friends when I am really hurt and believe that the other person played a role. I hope that those I hurt will confront me as well. I'd rather know than be blissfully ignorant. Okay, you don't have to tell me every single thing I've done wrong. But, really, if I have a giant plank sticking out of my eye, and I manage to knock you to the ground with it when I turn around, let me know. I'd rather preserve the friendship, the working relationship, or the family love than have people walking around with wounds I have caused while I just puncture the hearts of others.

Even if I gain the forgiveness of all who I have hurt, I realize I may have lost forever a special place inside their hearts, which they only reveal to those whom they trust. It's a consequence, and it is a tragedy. Thank God for His mercy and grace.