"doing all things..."

I cried all of the way home from church today. The tears started coming right as I was getting onto 270 and had escalated into sobs by the time I passed Lemay Ferry. I’m not sure from where these emotions are coming. Whether it is the start of school tomorrow and the knowledge that it is going to be a long time before I will get to travel to see anyone again or just the continuing of the frustration over feeling at home in a church, I don’t know. It’s probably a little bit of everything.

I put up quite a front, pretending like everything is alright, reciting all the words I know as the proper and godly things to say. But, let’s face it – I’m lonely. I’m extremely confused about the Church, Christ’s bride, God’s delight. I’ve been faithful and steady in one small group throughout the past year and a half, but I’ve switched churches in that time and am now again considering going back to where I started. I feel a certain guilt for my lack commitment to the church I currently attend, and I fear becoming known as a church-hopper. I know it should not be a matter of what the church can do for me but what I can do for the church, but, honestly, I was able to serve much for effectively in my previous fellowship. I made a mistake in leaving that church in the first place. I left because of loneliness, and, a year later, I find that I am still lonely. But now what am I to do? Now that I’m a member of the other church, do I go back to my original family, or do I plow through the distance and the obstacles of serving where I am now?

School starts tomorrow, for which I am glad, for it is why I am living down here, but my stomach collapses at the thought of not seeing anyone from my pre-MetroEast life for awhile. Summer has been grand this year. Full of laughter and tears, catching up with old friends and making new friends, people dear to me making vows of commitment to the men of their dreams, renewing ties with family and becoming more thankful for those ever-strong ties. It’s been a grand summer. But I think it just hit me that it’s going to be a long time before I see any of those people again. All I wanted this morning was to see Melissa or Melissa or Kristen or Kristin or Kristi or Liz and run up and tackle them with a hug. It’s just one of those little things that aren’t appreciated until they’re gone. I’ve never really considered myself one of the “touchy-feely” types, but, oh my goodness, when not a single person even touches you on the shoulder for one or two months at a time, it grows lonely inside.

But I am okay. And I’m not just saying that to put up my “Of course I’m doing wonderful because I have Jesus” front. I’m saying that because I know that although my emotions are having my way with me right now and that it is certain that things are not ideal, I expect God to provide like He has provided in the past. It hurts like crazy today, and I won’t pretend that it doesn’t, but God will provide the way through it. My first year of teaching God provided Anna, a foreign language teacher just across the hallway from me, whose extreme extroversion and social nature were exactly what my introverted heart needed at that time. There was Linsay and Rebekah one rainy October night, who still don’t know the impact their encouraging words had on me that evening. There has been Ananda and the girls, wonderful Jane, and the faithfulness of friends across distance. God has been faithful in my own life, and, if I run out of stories there, the stories of friends and friends of friends could encourage me throughout the dark hours of the night. And, of course, there are the stories of David and Moses and Elijah and the man born blind and Paul and Peter and so many others, who could testify with tears and joy of the indescribable faithfulness of God. So, I guess there is where my heart finds rest. I can stop striving so much, worrying so much, engaging in futile analyzing so much. God is here, with me, fully aware of my needs, more so than I can comprehend. God, I long for a community growing on your spirit – I long for the deepest kind of friends. I pray you will lead me and provide me in your wisdom and time.