something large

"I'm so tired of little gods while standing on the edge of something large..." - David Crowder

My friend serves a big God. She's taking advantage of an opportunity right now to serve the homeless, actually talk to them, serve them, and see them and treat them as Christ would. The person who opened up this opportunity to her serves a big God too. I don't know through what circumstances he has developed such a passion, but he is using his vacation time to walk the streets of cities just to understand that way of life so many of us would rather just pretend doesn't exist.

I remember a prayer I prayed a little over three years ago. I prayed that my dreams would not be limited to my own desires, but that they would take on the expanse of God's own heart. I prayed that in the context of a relationship I was in at the time, but, today with no relationship in sight, I pray that still. I want to walk away from my comfort zone, feel the tightening of my chest as I watch the safe and familiar grow smaller and smaller to the vanishing point. I want to be more mindful of lack of faith and I am of failure. I want my mind to be on the eternal and not on the temporary.

I have to admit that as I was talking to my friend tonight I felt a little bit jealous. Her life just seems so exciting right now while mine seems, well, kind of like making it from day to day. But, it's time to take inventory and re-evaluate my life that I somehow think is so...well, ordinary.

1. I moved here all alone two years ago. I didn't know a single person here except my landlord.
2. I have managed to teach, the first year of which is notoriously the worst year of any teacher's life (and, in my case, it was) while living here alone.
3. I have students who love me and are really glad I was their teacher.
4. I have had to find a church on my own, and I have.
5. I somehow managed to direct a contest play all by myself last year, and I even drove moving truck to competition.
6. I was there for a friend when her marriage was falling apart.
7. I was there for my family when my grandpa had died.
8. I fought through illness and still have perservered with a sense of humor about it.

I guess this is just kind of a pep-talk for myself. And, looking back at that list, I know it was only by faith that I was able to do any of those things. And, where my faith was lacking, grace was plentiful, and I survived, even grew, and am growing still. I don't know if I am living more on my desires or on God's heart these days, but I pray I'm making progress. Sometimes I feel like I'm just treading water, but when I think about it, I marvel that I've been able keep my head above water for this long. On my own strength, I would have sunk long ago. So, it could be that the great acts of faith involve me getting up tomorrow morning, trusting that God has me in these kids' lives for a reason, and give all I have to them as to the Lord. I want to be faithful to act in the big things though. Just in case. If God ever wants me to walk on water, I don't want miss the opportunity. If anyone ever calls me up to hang out with the homeless, I don't want to shrink away. So God, drag me out of my comfort zone, and please pry my fingers off of my treasured familiar if I put up a fight. But, in Your will and Your timing. And may I see Your power in the everyday.