Sigh...
I've spun a mental web so complicated that it is I who is trapped and needs rescuing.
I don't know how long to keep teaching. I love my job, my workplace, and my colleagues. Even more than the people in my church small group, my coworkers have become a source of encouragement and laughter for me. Yet, there's something inside of me that whispers that this isn't quite it, that teaching high school isn't the best match for my gifts and abilities. I have longed to do ministry ever since my sophomore year in college. That desire has taken many forms and has manifested itself in various dreams, but, in the past, when I thought of that one thing that I most wanted to do but was most scared to even try, I thought of vocational ministry. So I didn't pursue it and kept it to myself, yet the desire never completely went away.
I love teaching, but as I read the Bible, I often long to teach scripture, which of course is not possible in public school. Last April, I believed God was nudging me to make more time for ministry in Christ's name. I debated in my mind wondering if I needed to make more time avocationally, or if I should get a ministry degree. As it is, I don't know how I can make significant time avocationally and still perform my job duties well. But, the thought of seminary absolutely terrifies me. For one thing, I am scared of the "Christian bubble." I don't want to be surrounded by all Christians all of the time. I like working in a secular workplace. The other thing is that I just have this vague dread of seminary. I don't know what it is. I know I am smart and can intellectually wrangle with the best of them. I love studying scripture. But the thought of seminary full time doesn't sit well with me. However, I want to do vocational ministry. I don't really care if I get a seminary degree or not, but I fear it is what will be required of me to do what I want to do.
I feel like there's a missing piece to this puzzle. I am tempted to wait for it to appear, but what if taking the plunge is what is really required of me at this point?
Any wisdom would be great appreciated.
1 comment:
Fortunately/unfortunately I can see you doing so well in both positions. I love the thought of Christians in the school system simply because that may be the only contact some of those kids will ever have with someone and in many cases you could be the only person who stops to care about them. However, I also can understand your longing to just blurt out scripture and teach it to them and give them God's answers (read: the only answers) to their problems. You would do outstanding, I think, in ministry as well. Well, I am afraid I haven't done anything other than repeat what you already know. So...I guess I can offer this: I'll pray for you. I'll pray that God will have his hand in your decision making and that you will realize where you would best be suited as his faithful servant.
Post a Comment