I wrote this a couple of weeks ago. I'm just now getting around to posting it.
I have that freshman rock in my stomach. Remember it? Think back to when you first started college. After hauling your Steralite bins full of prom pictures, phone cards, dishes, and socks, your sweaty dad slipped you forty dollars and kissed you goodbye, your mom fought back tears as she gave you one more hug, and your teenage sibling awkwardly gave you a hug because he knew he had to. They then drove the SUV away and you were left, knowing that all the laurels on which you had once rested didn't matter anymore. Of course, on the other hand, nobody knew about the time you tucked your skirt into your pantyhose at Homecoming - or about the time you shanked the field goal needed to win the game, but nobody knew that you were a trusted keeper of secrets, a good sportman, funny, interesting, scared, loveable. Nobody knew you. You had to start all over again.
I have that freshman rock in my stomach. Remember it? Think back to when you first started college. After hauling your Steralite bins full of prom pictures, phone cards, dishes, and socks, your sweaty dad slipped you forty dollars and kissed you goodbye, your mom fought back tears as she gave you one more hug, and your teenage sibling awkwardly gave you a hug because he knew he had to. They then drove the SUV away and you were left, knowing that all the laurels on which you had once rested didn't matter anymore. Of course, on the other hand, nobody knew about the time you tucked your skirt into your pantyhose at Homecoming - or about the time you shanked the field goal needed to win the game, but nobody knew that you were a trusted keeper of secrets, a good sportman, funny, interesting, scared, loveable. Nobody knew you. You had to start all over again.
Today was orientation for the start of my studies at seminary. Nametag on, notebook in hand, purse over shoulder, I walked into the lower-level chapel classroom filled with humming chattering of men and women, most of them in pairs, talking about Greek paradigms, PCA this, wife and job that. Grunge and prep, men and women, newlyweds and couples with children, all mingled together. I didn't know anyone. Even more discomforting, no one knew me.
I hadn't felt that sinking weight feeling in a long time. I thought that this time around, because I am older, more experienced, more mature, I wouldn't experience it. I was wrong.
I tend to imagine that these people won't want to get to know me. I inwardly accuse people of all sorts of hautiness when I feel threatened. I think that because I am single, I am looked down upon. I become convinced that because I am not firmly rooted in Reformed theology, I am thought to be spiritually inferior. I wonder if because I don't have a Bible undergraduate degree, my intellect is questioned. Maybe this mind game of mine is a defense mechanism. Maybe it's Satan playing the role of the accuser.Either way, I should know better. The wife, the mother, the Bible college student, the Calvinist - all of us are just trying to find our footing. Whether single or married, women want other women to talk to. And whether a Bible college student or a state university student, young people want purpose and passion and direction.
I take a deep breath before I walk into rooms full of strangers. I need to fix my will before swimming through the unfamiliar voices. But, before long, they will become familiar. I know before long I will love some of those voices and perhaps even cry when I miss them. For now, however, my will needs to be steadied. This time, my parents aren't dropping me off and leaving me - I'm driving myself. This time, I know the accusing thoughts aren't worth listening to. This time, I'm sure of the rock beneath my feet. I just need to keep that rock beneath me - and not in my stomach.
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I hadn't felt that sinking weight feeling in a long time. I thought that this time around, because I am older, more experienced, more mature, I wouldn't experience it. I was wrong.
I tend to imagine that these people won't want to get to know me. I inwardly accuse people of all sorts of hautiness when I feel threatened. I think that because I am single, I am looked down upon. I become convinced that because I am not firmly rooted in Reformed theology, I am thought to be spiritually inferior. I wonder if because I don't have a Bible undergraduate degree, my intellect is questioned. Maybe this mind game of mine is a defense mechanism. Maybe it's Satan playing the role of the accuser.Either way, I should know better. The wife, the mother, the Bible college student, the Calvinist - all of us are just trying to find our footing. Whether single or married, women want other women to talk to. And whether a Bible college student or a state university student, young people want purpose and passion and direction.
I take a deep breath before I walk into rooms full of strangers. I need to fix my will before swimming through the unfamiliar voices. But, before long, they will become familiar. I know before long I will love some of those voices and perhaps even cry when I miss them. For now, however, my will needs to be steadied. This time, my parents aren't dropping me off and leaving me - I'm driving myself. This time, I know the accusing thoughts aren't worth listening to. This time, I'm sure of the rock beneath my feet. I just need to keep that rock beneath me - and not in my stomach.
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3 comments:
I really think you are headed for the best year of your life.
So, how's it going?! I hope as well as you deserve, though that may be hoping for too much too soon. As for the nerves, well, I think we all go through that from time to time.
It has been my observation (from the wonderful vantage point of hindsight) that every facet of our lives which we believe may be a detriment is often looked upon as a huge advantage. For example, you may feel someone is looking down on you for being single, but moe likely there is someone is envying you your independence. When I feel that someone is judging me because of my age, there is undoubtedly someone out there wishing they WERE my age. The same goes for finances, weight, and presence or lack of offspring. (Isn't insecurity an amazing thing? It is an equal opportunity curse!)
I think this is why I have never gone to the movies alone. I KNOW nobody cares whether I'm alone or not, but I FEEL like I have a spotlight shining on me. Why do we torture ourselves?
I'll bet by now you've made some acquaintances... maybe even a friend or two? I hope so!
We will miss you in the halls and the teachers' lounge. I will miss knowing you're just down the way.Perhaps it is because we started at about the same time that I've felt a special connection with you. And I am always looking for those special connections - they make a sometimes hostile world seem a little friendlier.
I love your blog for keeping me more or less current with your situation. Because I know this is an exciting new chapter of your life, I can't wait to hear some details!
Yes, I forgot the cardinal rule of proofreading before publishing! Please forgive the errors in my previous response. My mind is not as sharp in the late, late hours as it used to be!
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