Disequilibriated

I'm frustrated, I'm discouraged, and I'm a little anxious. I'm having one of those, "What am I doing here" weeks. I'm having one of those, "Whatever made you think you could do vocational ministry" weeks. I'm having one of those, "You came to a reformed, conservative seminary to learn and grow, but now you'll never be able to get a job at any other kind of church" weeks.

I'm corresponding with a woman who works as a minister of church life in an urban church in a US western city. She loves her job, which involves teaching and discipling adults. Her role as a paid minister encourages and empowers other women to exercise their gifts for the glory of God. But, her regional board, after two years, is now protesting her visible service in the church as well as her title as minister, accusing the church where she serves as breaking under liberal pressure. She is discouraged, and I am absolutely disheartened. Is this what it is going to be like if I start serving in a church someday? I have never thought too much about women's role in the church before, mainly because I have never wanted to be a head pastor and I have never aspired to be ordained in any denomination. But, I'm learning now that in some places, the restrictions go beyond that. I'm scared now. I still have no desire to be a head pastor or to be officially ordained by anyone. But, I do desire to equip God's people for works of service, and I thought God was leading me to seminary, this seminary, to be equipped to do that. And now I wonder if there is going to be any place for me after I get out. So many churches affiliated with this seminary (which is a great, biblically sound, challenging, encouraging, edifying seminary) don't want women in ministerial positions. I never really intended on going to work for a church in this denomination anyway, but now I'm wondering if any other churches will want someone from here. This place is evangelical and doctrinally sound, even if I don't agree with them on every single point; but denominations have their own seminaries, their own networks, and I wonder, not being from one of those seminaries, if another denomination would even consider me.

My education professors love to talk about disequilibrium, saying that it is when things don't make sense that we learn the most. Things don't make sense right now - so I must be learning a lot. God lead me to resign from my teaching position, and He brought me here to this seminary, to be challenged and nurtured and taught and trained. I have to believe that my background of various denominational affiliations will be an asset in whatever God is preparing me for. I have believe that the confusion about women's ministry that I have right now is in preparation for something new. I have to believe that what I sensed God was doing last year is still in play this year, even amidst my doubts.

I have no idea where I'm going to land in all of this. And I feel utterly irresponsible because of that. Who leaves a stable, well-paying job with benefits to spend thousands of dollars on a degree that you don't even know how you're going to use? I did. Wow, that drives me crazy. It makes no sense to me at all. And yet I believe it is God who brought me here. What do I do with that? I guess hold on and see - and then re-read this when things fall together more amazingly than I can even imagine...i hope.