Thankful

Play practice was torture tonight. Of course, kids did not have their lines memorized, every mistake (and there were many) warranted much laughter, imitation jokes, and side conversations among the kids, and all I wanted to do was come home. I finally get home, change into jeans, boil some pasta, and turn on CNN; I then watch a report of firefighters, exhausted, emotionally weary, and worried about their own homes and families, fighting a fire (one of many) in New Orleans. The fire hydrants don't work, so they have to find ways to pump the water flooding the streets. Their own homes are destroyed; I wonder where the relief workers do go at the end of the day. I wonder where their families are and when they will see them again. I'm still tired. I'm still glad to be home. But, wow, today was a faraway dream in the minds of too many people today, everyday.

something large

"I'm so tired of little gods while standing on the edge of something large..." - David Crowder

My friend serves a big God. She's taking advantage of an opportunity right now to serve the homeless, actually talk to them, serve them, and see them and treat them as Christ would. The person who opened up this opportunity to her serves a big God too. I don't know through what circumstances he has developed such a passion, but he is using his vacation time to walk the streets of cities just to understand that way of life so many of us would rather just pretend doesn't exist.

I remember a prayer I prayed a little over three years ago. I prayed that my dreams would not be limited to my own desires, but that they would take on the expanse of God's own heart. I prayed that in the context of a relationship I was in at the time, but, today with no relationship in sight, I pray that still. I want to walk away from my comfort zone, feel the tightening of my chest as I watch the safe and familiar grow smaller and smaller to the vanishing point. I want to be more mindful of lack of faith and I am of failure. I want my mind to be on the eternal and not on the temporary.

I have to admit that as I was talking to my friend tonight I felt a little bit jealous. Her life just seems so exciting right now while mine seems, well, kind of like making it from day to day. But, it's time to take inventory and re-evaluate my life that I somehow think is so...well, ordinary.

1. I moved here all alone two years ago. I didn't know a single person here except my landlord.
2. I have managed to teach, the first year of which is notoriously the worst year of any teacher's life (and, in my case, it was) while living here alone.
3. I have students who love me and are really glad I was their teacher.
4. I have had to find a church on my own, and I have.
5. I somehow managed to direct a contest play all by myself last year, and I even drove moving truck to competition.
6. I was there for a friend when her marriage was falling apart.
7. I was there for my family when my grandpa had died.
8. I fought through illness and still have perservered with a sense of humor about it.

I guess this is just kind of a pep-talk for myself. And, looking back at that list, I know it was only by faith that I was able to do any of those things. And, where my faith was lacking, grace was plentiful, and I survived, even grew, and am growing still. I don't know if I am living more on my desires or on God's heart these days, but I pray I'm making progress. Sometimes I feel like I'm just treading water, but when I think about it, I marvel that I've been able keep my head above water for this long. On my own strength, I would have sunk long ago. So, it could be that the great acts of faith involve me getting up tomorrow morning, trusting that God has me in these kids' lives for a reason, and give all I have to them as to the Lord. I want to be faithful to act in the big things though. Just in case. If God ever wants me to walk on water, I don't want miss the opportunity. If anyone ever calls me up to hang out with the homeless, I don't want to shrink away. So God, drag me out of my comfort zone, and please pry my fingers off of my treasured familiar if I put up a fight. But, in Your will and Your timing. And may I see Your power in the everyday.

Heroes

To the two ladies who came down to my classroom in the drama "cave" the other day for the sole purpose of giving me a hug, I just want to say thank you. I can't express how much that meant to me, and though I know I was too surprised and awkward to even show it, I am so, so grateful for the two of you.

Respite

My classroom is weighing pretty heavily on my heart right now. I want it to be a safe place for the kids, a place where they feel valued and treasured, a place where they know they have worth and deserve respect. I want that so much for my kids, and I know I have failed to make that reality for kids in the past. 14-year-olds - they sometimes laugh at inappropriate things and occasionally don't consider feelings as much as they should. Or at least it seems like it at times. I don't always notice when someone gets hurt in the process, and therefore I don't hold those responsible for the hurting accountable. I want my classroom to be a safe place; it is my prayer that it would be. It is my prayer that in that room, if only in that room, those kids would know that they have so much value, so much worth, so much to be protected and fought for. I want that so much for these kids. Father God, I pray that would happen.

Today

"But as for me, it is good to be near God..."