Church home

I start searching for a new local church tomorrow. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’m committing at least the next two years of my life to the church that I choose, and the teachings, ministry, and people I encounter there may have enormous sway over the decisions I make and the opportunities I choose once I graduate from seminary. Plus, I dread walking into churches for the first time. I’ve gotten pretty good about walking right up to the welcome table, telling my story, and asking questions, but, oh, I still loathe it. Going to a new church is an emotional thing. It evokes homesickness on all levels. Past churches once called home are brought to mind, and the voices and faces of those past congregations, from which I am now absent, become particularly haunting. If I go alone, I can’t help but feel alone with an empty chair or pew space on either side of me. If I am not sitting alone, I can’t help but feel embarrassed when I start to cry in front of this stranger who was kind enough to offer a seat. These services are about coming together as a community to worship God. This shouldn't be so painful. But it is. Why?