Hurts so bad

"Oh God, it hurts so bad to love anybody down here."My friends in Waterdeep give words to the essence of my emotions once again. People are hard to love. I don't mean it's hard to engage in the task of loving. I don't necessarily mean it's hard to perservere in the task of loving, or at least that's not what I'm speaking of in this context. I mean it's just hard. It's hard to get it right, and I mess up. Others mess up. And how do you know if you're doing a good job? How do you know when it's okay to be tough and when you're just being a jerk?

I feel hurt and betrayed tonight, but more than that, I feel angry. I have been betrayed, but someone I'm close to has been betrayed more deeply, both of us by the same person - someone we care about, someone in whom we have invested time, energy, and love - though my friend's investment has been greater than my own. In the startlingly brief time of just a month, we have watched this person shovel a trench for himself, and now we are just watching him dance around it, knowing that the swan dive into the murky water is just moments away. He's been in that trench before. He knows what it is like. He's kept himself out of it for years. But now, now he's heading back. We've tried tenderness. We've tried tough love. We've explained his choices. We've shone light on the path that would take him away from the rough, impoverished lifestyle he is preparing for himself. Yet, each day reveals that he is either not trusting our judgement or does not think he can handle the responsibilities we've urged him to embrace. And now, he's almost gone. I feel betrayed because of the responsibilities I joyfully entrusted to him and he joyfully accepted are now laying shattered at my feet. I feel hurt because I thought he respected me more than that. And I feel angry because I don't deserve to be treated like this, and because I have seen others pour themselves into him, more so than I have given of myself, and he is disappointing them as well.

It's hard to love people. I mess up. They mess up. I kick myself for what I do wrong, and yet I know, painfully, that even if I do everything right, people will not necessarily make the right choices. There is no guarantee. I know my sorrow is one God feels more than I could ever bear. I know He has felt the sting of betrayal more profoundly, and more personally, than I experience my hurt. He knows it's hard. He knows that there can be love and acceptance and still a person will walk out, choose his own way, reject what is best for him. Sometimes people reject love for a psuedo-acceptance - actually, most of the time people reject love for psuedo-acceptance.

I'm still angry. We put ourselves on the line. We held out what this person needed most. And we were rejected. The choice was bad, and the consequences are going to be bad. And we're just going to have to watch it happen. It's so hard to love people down here. When you love people you get hurt, mostly because you have to watch them get hurt while knowing it didn't have to be like this. God, I know you know this more than I do. If this is participating in the suffering of Christ, I'm willing. But show me how to do this. Show me how to not let this eat me up inside.